if you could see it then you'd understand|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Monday, December 31st, 2007|
I FINISHED MY SECONDARY APPLICATION!!!!!
FINALLY....VICTORY IS MINE AT LAST!!!!
:) Current Mood: relieved
|Sunday, May 20th, 2007|
DILEMMA: how do i give up performing after next year.
|Thursday, December 28th, 2006|
i don't stay out late
don't care to go
i'm home about eight
just me and my radio
i'm saving my love for you
:) Current Mood: sleepy
|Wednesday, December 13th, 2006|
|Sunday, November 19th, 2006|
here's an update on my life
School's going fine....i really like ochem (sick, i know) and this quarter isn't turning out to be as stressful as i thought it would be *knock on wood.* thankfully, i've been drama free for the most part *knock on wood again,* although a lot of my friends haven't had such luck. last weekend, my roomate reagan and i baked blueberry and chocolate chip muffins FROM SCRATCH and then made blueberry pancakes (also from scratch) the next day. It was very exciting AND they tasted excelente. I'm performing with a few of my OTL (musical) buddies for this AIDS event on Dec 1st which I'm looking forward to. Frisbee is still sweet, although I hate cold weather because my hands go numb in like, two minutes. Oh yes. I have some of the most ridiculously hilarious friends in the world and i love them all.
did i mention i'm becoming a beast at supermario bros??? i am. and it's sweet.
i almost forgot....
FUCK MICHIGAN. (what a gameeeee)
can't wait to see you all in like, three and a half days!!! :)
|Thursday, November 16th, 2006|
a lot of times i feel guilty for having such a good time at college when venkat's so sick.
i miss him so much.
and the you wonder why this happened to him. why would this ever happen to one of the best people that I know? I believe in fate, and believe there's a reason, but I can't lay my finger on it. I guess maybe we're not supposed to know or understand the meaning of everything. and that stinks.
|Tuesday, October 17th, 2006|
here's an update on my life (since i don't feel like doing anymore work tonight hehe).......
--my hell week is overrrr thank god and i'm still alive. alive and well.
--i had lunch with dan today and i think we're going to be able to be good friends which makes me really happy
--i've been able to play ultimate frisbee two-three times a week, which is awesome as always
--i'm not overworking myself.....YET
--my musical theater group is doing a cabaret the beginning of november and i'm really excited about my solo from aida (I LOVE THAT MUSICAL) and our sweet group opening and finale songs. last night we learned the choreography to "wild party" which is our closing song....it's gonna be a great cabaret.
--there's a boy. and no, not a stupid, junior high crush that has no potential. it's real. and i'm scared and excited at the same time. i know i'm not ready for a relationship yet, but i really like this kid.....i guess we'll just have to see what happens.
--we're holding the most amazing rock paper scissors tournament in the south oval this sunday, and i'm soooo excited because we're trying to beat the world record (and i'm not sure what exactly that is.....)
--i'm pissed as fuck about the bengals game. screw refs making dumb ass calls. but whatever. at least ravens lost too.
--i made a bet with my football picks for this sunday. if i lose, i have to wear browns apparel the following sunday. if he loses, he has to wear bengals apparel. he's going to be severely disspaointed that he even tried to mess with me and football :P
--i'm volunteering at the nisonger center this quarter, and it's so much fun. from 9-12 on tuesdays, i get to basically go to preschool again with two year olds that have different disabilities. some have down syndrome, others speech disabilities, etc. today, we had a halloween party and i got candy!!!! i miss halloween parties we had in elementary school :( haha
hmmm i can't think of anything else at the moment. and you're probably falling asleep by now so i'll stop hehehe.
peace out. Current Mood: complacent
|Wednesday, October 11th, 2006|
so. two tornado warnings in one week. can we say bad omen????
oh yea. i failed to mention that BOTH times I was either trying to walk back from class or walk to/from a midterm. *sigh* :P
|Saturday, September 23rd, 2006|
silly crushes are fun *sighhhhhh* Current Mood: happy
hmmmm i might as well update on college life.....
quite frankly, i love it. i enjoy my classes, i've met tons of new people, i LOVE my roomates who are corky and silly like me, and everyone seems to be getting along. I'm able to be civil to people that really hurt me last year, I'm finally getting closure concerning my past relationship, and I don't think that I'm overwhelming myself between school work and extra curricular. I'm so excited to be back and so happy to be living where i am. oh yes, and it's football season. here's my take on football. no matter how horrible my life is, it's always okay if it's football season. when i watch football, everything else just flies out the window--i'm able to let go of all my insecurites, problems, stressful matters, etc. and that's great.
oh yes. did i mention i have a silly crush???? it's like seventh grade all over again..... *winkwink*
p.s. WHO DEY=FUCK SHITSBURG STEELERS :)
|Saturday, September 9th, 2006|
some things never change. and yet, some things change so drastically.
fate. interesting word.
whether you believe in it or not, it's still a mind boggling palabra
.............take it easy, sonny boy
it's lookin bright
can you see beyond that
maybe your too short
can't you hear her singin?
through the somber, naked tree.
the leaves, whistling her melody.
there ain't no golden signs
ain't no pocket full of dimes
just you and me, sonny boy
it's just you and me.
|Saturday, August 12th, 2006|
i went to ATP with my dad and uncle yesterday, and it was soooo much fun. it was the old timers playing, which was a huge part of the reason i had a great time. those games aren't about winning--it's about having fun and entertaining the crowd, which they did a great job doing.
oh yea.....apples to apples is a fun game.
and marko. i'm gonna miss you.
|Saturday, August 5th, 2006|
so last night i had this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE nightmare.
imran went back to the hospital cause he had nephrotic syndrome again (kidney problems) except his mom had abandoned him and he was all alone. i wanted mom to adopt him but she said no and i couldn't adopt him cause i was in medical school. however, mom found a family friend with two sons that was considering adopting him. but before he could be adopted, he died. The rest of the dream was dedicated to me crying my eyes out. no, i'm serious.
wow....sometimes i seriously wonder what the hell my subconsious is doing......or thinking for that matter
but yea, aside from that, today i decided that i might want to specialize in surgery.....thank you first-season of grey's anatomy.
|Friday, August 4th, 2006|
just for the record
i'm not really a fan of talking about the craziest place someone has had sex, how someone fucks over guys because she always have to win in the relationship, different sexual techniques someone has tried, laughing and joking about being a whore, etc.
i don't mean to be a party pooper or whatever, but honestly, i don't give a shit. and i don't think it's funny.
yes you're joking, but at the same time, no you're not.
so when you wonder why i'm quiet., why i'm avoiding saying anything, it's cause i don't want to make it awkard. i don't want to make the situation uncomfortable by saying "hey, you guys, that's really not funny." or "can't you guys find ANYTHING ELSE to talk about?"
i hate to say it, but i have lost respect for some people. saying that i haven't would be a lie. why am i posting this? just so you know. you can read it and know that it's not on my "topics of choice."
so please, if you're around me, try to avoid talking about who's a whore, or how you're glad you didn't date someone cause he turned out to be fucking ugly, or how you had sex in the kitchen, or whatever. i don't want to know, i don't care to know, and i certainly think you should keep your personal shit to yourself. it's just not funny.
and i'll tell you why. CAUSE YOU'RE NOT REALLY JOKING.
|Wednesday, July 19th, 2006|
i'm home kids....
and to be honest, it feels weird. but it always feels that way the first few days.
|Thursday, July 13th, 2006|
Today was a sad day
Imran and his mom were discharged. his mom is five days older than me. imran is seven months old and i love that boy sooo much. i don't think i'll ever see them again although i promised his mom that when i come back in two years, i will go to her town about 8 km from my grandmother's house and find her.
she cried when i said goodbye.
i just hope she leaves her husband that spends all their money on alcohol and beats her. that ass is damn lucky i never met him or he would have been fucking HISTORY.
the end is always the worst part. i go home and for a few months, all i can think about is india and how badly i want to go back. all i can think about is the people i met and the relationships i formed, whether short-lived or lifelong. and it hurts. it hurts so much to leave this behind. i love that hospital. i love those doctors. i love those kids...every single one of them. i know all of their names, all of their conditions, all of their treatments, what makes them laugh and what makes them cry....and yes, in the end, they leave. don't get me wrong, it's a good thing that they're healthy. sometimes it's just hard to let go.
although the child will probably forget about me in a few days, the mother remembers. imran's mother will always remember and she will always be in my heart.
part of me wants to come home and see all my friends....but i'm leaving my heart here, in india. Current Mood: melancholy
|Tuesday, July 11th, 2006|
|Your Life Path Number is 9
Your purpose in life is to make the world better
You are very socially conscious and a total idealist.
You think there are many things wrong with the world, and you want to fix them.
You have a big idea of how to world could be, and you'll sacrifice almost anything to work towards this dream.
In love, you can easily see the beauty in someone else. And you never cling too tightly.
You are capable of great love, but it's hard for you to focus your love on one person or relationship.
You have a lot of outward focus, and you tend to blame the world for your failures.
You are often disappointed by the realities of life - it's hard for you to accept the shortcomings of the world.
|Thursday, July 6th, 2006|
but the truth remains
rest in peace, tosh.
|Monday, July 3rd, 2006|
i can't wait till i'm a doctor. i can't wait till i learn kannada. i can't wait till i can really make a difference in these kids lives.
it just boggles the mind...they have so little, yet they're so happy
. Just the other day, I saw a little boy playing a game with rocks. rocks. who needs toys when you have rocks.
india overall has improved so much, yet their is still a significant amount of poverty. i see kids working with construction workers, covered in soot. i see children walking up to cars asking for money because they haven't eaten all day. i see babies sitting there in dirt while their mothers wait for someone to save them from this misery. i see illterate kids with no schooling when there is no reason why. education is free up until tenth standard. but what happens? parents need to use their kids to beg and work. that's the only way they can put food on the table and maintain the shacks they live in, although most of them are halfway underwater by now thanks to the munsoon season.
they deserve so much more.
but here's the root of the problem, simple and/or stupid as it may sound. these people need to stop having kids. it's not fair to them. how can you expect to support a family if you can barely survive on your own? why would you want to give birth to children who are going to experience nothing but hunger, sickness, and denial from this bloody cast system? it's just not right.
for example, there was a two-year old boy named prajul who was in the hospital for a respiratory tract infection. cutest boy you've ever seen. but his clothes were literally like rags. and his mother didn't have much either. here's the killer part. he has three older sisters and two older brothers. he's one of six.
i mean, yes, everyone deserves to be happy. for many that's getting married and starting a family. but when it comes down to it, you can only offer your kids love. and while that should be enough, everyone needs food, clothing, proper shelter, and an education. none of which they get a sufficient amount of.
on a personal note, i know what makes me happy. it's not a big house, or a fancy car, or fame. i want to share my wealth with the world. to enlighten, inspire hope, and create opportunity for a better future. everyone deserves happiness. no one's dreams should be shot down because of the socioeconomic situation they're born into.
i know this is the same conclusion i came upon two years ago, and i'm not sure what makes this entry any more different. something certainly feels different though. i think i've realized that i can't do this on my own. granted, i never thought i could save the world on my own, but it's really hitting me now. i need power. i need influence. i need help. hopefully i'll meet the right people along the way. god knows i've already met some of them.
god bless Current Mood: determined
|Tuesday, June 27th, 2006|
i wish i could go back in time. not to change anything, but to just relive it.
so many things have changed this past year. and it's not that i'm not okay with the change. i just wish we could go back.
maybe i should rephrase that. certain changes i wish hadn't happened. some people changed for the better. some became back-stabbing seventh graders. i made friends. and somehow i feel like i lost some too. but i believe in fate. i believe that everything happens for a reason even if i never know why. quite frankly, i put my trust in god.
but nonetheless, sometimes i do wish we could go back to the way things were. before things got complicated, before people became two-faced, before we knew any better.
i guess that's why they call them memories.
time can bring you down
time can bend your knees
time can break your heart
have you beggin' please
--eric clapton, tears in heaven
p.s. india is still amazing...this was just a thought that came to my mind :) Current Mood: contemplative